Friday, February 17, 2012

Confessions of a Biological Clock

Hi all. I'm sorry. I have been meaning to write an entry forever. Frankly, other than the student loan debt roundups which I've forgotten to do for a few months, not much is new with me. It wasn't until today that I realized the ONE THING that has been going on in my life I've been reluctant to write about.

Because you're not supposed to talk about it.

It's awkward, personal and bordering on rude in some people's opinions. But I've decided to say it anyway because I thought at least some of my readers would like to know. And because after several years of writing about my life I didn't want to let this blog just die off as I enter a new phase of my life.

I want a baby.

Not just me. My husband does too. We want to create a new person. I told you this would be awkward to talk about. I am trying to get pregnant. Phew, there I said it.

I remember a couple years back, when I was planning my wedding, a commenter remarked on my blog that I was going to "get married, get pregnant and quit my job." As you can imagine I was offended by his remarks. Not only because he was implying I was some sort of Gold Digger, but because he was trying to fit me into a box. The Predictable Female box. Even though I always thought I wanted kids, for someone else to assume I would be having them just because I was getting married hurt.

I was never the type of woman that was anxious to get married. I made my education and then my career a priority. And I am so happy I had an independent life, over a decade of living on my own before marrying DH.

Then during the 18 month engagement we talked a lot about the future. We wanted to have some time as a married couple before starting a family. We wanted to travel, enjoy each other's company and become financially secure. We set a date that we would start to try.

And then we started trying. And it was exciting and scary all at the same time. I toured a day care (take that rude commenter!) and picked out baby names. Quickly, however, it seemed that something was wrong. Without getting into too many details, it just wasn't happening.

Months go by and I invest in books, a thermometer, over the counter medical supplies, fertility yoga, fertility tea, herbs and vitamins. I drink 96 ounces of water a day. I turn 32. I try acupuncture. I'm still not pregnant.

So that's what's new with me. I wish I had better news. I just wanted to say I always thought the whole concept of a biological clock was silly. I thought women were being pressured by societal norms to reproduce, not nature. Sadly now, I know the truth. There is something going on now that even common sense cannot suppress. I could have anything in the world right now and it wouldn't matter because it's not a baby. Sometimes it's a dark place.

The good news is I have excellent insurance and an appointment to see a specialist in less than a month. I'll keep you posted and I promise to try and resume a more frequent blogging schedule from here on out.


Anonymous said...

I'm sorry to hear of your struggle. And I wish you the best of luck in for the future outcome.

I'm glad you brought up this topic although it also brings me great sadness as it hits home. I'm 28, married but unemployed with 130k in student loan debt (after already paying off 110k). I never thought I wanted kids but recently have thought otherwise. I'm afraid with our significant debt the time will never come as I could never justify even contemplating it without our debt gone. And at this point, that won't be for another 7 years at the best case scenario.

Best of luck to you and your husband.

Well Heeled Blog said...

I'm glad to see you back! Best of luck - I hope the doctors give you something concrete to go on. I am 27 and this is something I've been thinking about - do I want kids? when would I be ready for kids? on which side would I rather err on - have kids before I'm ready or find out that I am unable to have kids by the time I am ready? Would I regret not becoming a mother, or would I regret not achieving XYZ in my career, traveling the world, and retiring at 55?

All those questions... no correct answers.

Karin said...

So sorry to read this, but happy your blog popped back up on my Google reader. You are doing the right thing by trying now and also going to a specialist now that you know something is wrong. I hope the specialist is helpful and you can have the baby you so want!

Anonymous said...

why not adopt? There are Plenty of babies which need a good home, loving family etc?G

Margie said...

I'm so sorry to read of your struggle - I've been following your blog for awhile but I don't think I've commented before. Wishing you the best with your upcoming appointments.

Anonymous said...

Sorry to hear about your struggle. We had lots of reasons to wait - first I needed a better job. Then I needed a job with better maternity benefits. I got that job, got pregnant, then lost my job and had a miscarriage.

Now we're back to square one, but five years older! It's made me realize that you never know what life will throw you, and that you can only prepare so much. Best of luck with your upcoming appointment.

Anonymous said...

Sorry to hear about your struggles. Ignore that "just adopt" comment. I went through problems trying to conceive and that "just adopt" comment is just rude.

Sallie's Niece said...

Thanks all. And I know the "just adopt" commenter probably means well but I just can't even go there right now.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry to hear you are struggling with this. Sending you lots of good vibes!

Daizy said...

I know I would want a baby too if I were in a situation that was amiable to that sort of thing. But now, since I am going on 40, I have had to rethink my goals. I think I thought I would be more disappointed. But anyway, I hope the best for you and I hope everything falls in to place eventually.